Perfect isn’t perfect.

Perfectionism.

It’s something I have struggled with since… forever.

Torn out sketchbook pages, restarted projects, late nights spent on school posters that were only worth 5 points.

Some people think that perfectionism is a blessing, others a curse. I would argue that it’s a harsh combination of the two. “Always striving for my best” meets “I’m never good enough.”

This all-or-nothing perfectionist mindset has gotten me far in life, but it's held my head underwater, leaving me struggling, exhausted.

I think that maybe perfectionism stems from a desire to be in control, and to get validation. We want to validate ourselves through our successes and accomplishments, and through advertisement of our competence. I know that I am very self-conscious not only about how I perceive my own performance, but also about how others do… So much so that I will talk down on myself. For example, I will cover myself with a security blanket of insults before taking an exam, such as “I didn’t study as much as I should have… I’m going to fail!” This statement is basically “prepare for the worst, and hope for the best” turned into “prepare others for my failure so that they are aware of my understanding of my own potential incompetence.” (Does that even make sense?)

Basically, I want other people to know that I’m “self-aware enough” to know that I might fail. I’m not sure if that actually makes it any better, but that’s what my mind does.

However, it’s this strange obsession with the fear of failure that leads me to work so hard that I cannot fail. It’s a vicious cycle, and I’m still working on breaking it.

So if you’re reading this, and you struggle with the same issues, take it from me: it’s not always worth it. Find a happy medium. Run hard, but not into the ground. It’s okay to strive, it’s okay to fail.

Find balance.